Dust

Over the past few days, I've found myself in a cycle of depression, anger and confusion. I am told this is normal in my circumstance (loosing my job, for those of you who have not read down further). I've caught myself blaming God, then feeling guilty for thinking those thoughts, then blaming myself, then feeling stupid.

Then I'm usually hungry. Some things never change.

I ran across two things in the past few hours that helped. The first is a song by an artist/producer named Joe Beck. It may not mean much to you, but it helped set my perspective a little clearer. Here's a verse and a chorus:

You magnify my helplessness
That I might see Your faithfulness
I stand in awe because of who You are
Creator of my heart, O God

The Mystery of You in words
When Heaven's mercy kissed the earth
The price completely paid by You alone
I fall before Your throne and I cry

I am dust
I am frail
I am weak
I fail
You are God
You are King
Over all the universe You reign
And I stand amazed that You could truly love
This dust

Then this morning I picked up a book that I was reading and had set aside for a while, Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline. I vaguely remembered that where I left off had seemed something that I wasn't catching. The importance of it had not settled into me. So I opened up the dog-eared page and looked at the title of the section where I had quit reading.

The Dark Night of the Soul.

It seemed a little more appropriate now. I quote Foster:

What does the dark night of the soul involve? We may have a sense of dryness, aloneness, even lostness. Any overdependence on the emotional life is stripped away... The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that He may work an inner transformation on the soul... When God lovingly draws us into a dark night of the soul, there is often a temptation to seek release from it and to blame everyone and everything for our inner dullness... Be grateful that God is lovingly drawing you away from every distraction so that you can see him clearly. Rather than chafing and fighting, become still and wait."

And so I quietly wait. I am dust.